just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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