i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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