Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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