dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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