Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
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