No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize