fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
