the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
