I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize