I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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