I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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