just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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