Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
