I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize