I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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