i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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