Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Someone stole a lamp last night.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
