you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
