My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
