I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
