Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
