she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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