i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
