I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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