He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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