Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
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