Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
