Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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