i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
