Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
