Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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