Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
