After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
