My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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