Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
