Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
