in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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