I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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