i just wanna soil my oats bro
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize