You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize