In the future we'll all be gay
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
