Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Randomize
