He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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