Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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