Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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