i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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