The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
