My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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