I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
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