He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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