If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Girls should come with a carfax report
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize