Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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