So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
