last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
