There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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