I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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