So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
