Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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