he wants to bone in the snuggie
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
