Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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